{Sunday, April 23, 2006}

another day of trng, another day of being pissed.
what is happening to me?!
i was so pissed at everything, i keep throwing tanrtums, and i keep breaking down.
what the hell is happening to me lah.
life is so stressful and so tiring. sometimes i wonder, what do i live for.
and i have never come up with a reason yet.
is this just a phrase im going through or am i a goner? i cant seem to take this anymore, it has just become too much for me.
all the stress, the coping, the meeting of expectation, the peer pressure and everything else, its just way too much for me.
priscilla keep asking me to persevere, keep encouraging me. and i had persevered, until now.
sometimes, i just feel like giving up. and not that i want to.
i put in so much effort, so much determination, and all my parents' money to come such a long way. i know its too big a pity to give up. especially now.
but its just so hard to meet the coach and my parents' expectations nowadays.
everyday, im putting 110% of effort into everything. and yet, they dont recognise it.
today, they even accuse me of not studying infront of other parents, making me lose face.
they never realise how much it hurts me to be wrongly accused.
i mean like, youre not me, youre not the one stressed in school, with so many smart people around you when youre so stupid.
youre not the one in the water, in pain and stuggling to catch up with the other swimmers when youre so bloody slow.
youre not the one trying to impress the coach so that she will put you into the team.
youre not the one facing all the scoldings at home and stressed that you do something wrong and will get scoldings AGAIN.

you have to understand, mum and dad, that im putting alot of effort trying to meet your expectations and trying to be your dream daughter.
i know im not, but still, you have to recognise the effort im putting in and accept the fact that im just a girl trying to live through each day now.
you dont have to compare me to other more unfortunate people, telling me how fortunate i am. i do know im fortunate.
youre my parents, instead of everyday hoping that i'll be your dream daughter, why not be my dream parents?

and today, during trng, i kept cursing.
at EVERYTHING. even myself.
i was so bloody slow. i had such a short breath. and plainly, i SUCK.
i think even natalie can swim underwater longer than me please. rebecca was so much faster than me.
and there was so much competition. and i became so tired, i didnt even want to look up to my mum, like im guilty of letting her down because im so tired.
at a point of time, i just wanted to tell the coach: i can't do this, i cannot anymore, can you just let me go?
i think yong zhen felt the pressure too. she broke down halfway. its just way too much already lah.
and for yong zhen, its even worse, she has to fight with stephanie and natalie for that one place in the competition.
this is of no offence, but i really hope that yong zhen will be the one making it for the competition. i bet she put in more effort than the other two, physically AND mentally.
oh yongzhen, WORK HARD AND MAKE IT FOR THE TEAM. and remember, i'll always be there for you (:

i wish time will just stop and let me catch up with everyhing. im not ready for anything, not the competition, not school, not the tests, not npcc, not for sports day or anything else.
haii, im just so tired of living and so stressed. can this period of time just GO PAST NOW

[[9:34 PM;



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